THE domestic abuse coordinator for the Isle of Man Constabulary is aiming to raise awareness of the issue in the Isle of Man.

PC Judith Bradford has highlighted the warning signs and tactics used by people who inflict domestic abuse on a partner of family member.

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PC Bradford has said that abusive people often think they are unique and so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else.

She explained: "But rather than being unique abusers have a lot in common with one another including their patterns of thinking and behaving.

"The following are some of their characteristics:

Excuse making:

"Instead of accepting responsibility for their actions the abuse tries to justify their behaviour with excuses. For example - 'My parents never loved me' or 'I was beaten as a child' or 'I had a bad day and when I walked in and saw this mess then I lost my temper'.

Blaming:

"The abuser shifts responsibility for their actions away from themselves and onto others - a shift that allows them to justify their abuse because the other person supposedly 'caused' their behaviour. 

"They may accuse their victim of 'pushing the right buttons'. Statements like this are victim blaming. If the victim had the ability to push the 'right buttons' it certainly wouldn't be the one that says 'hit me'.

Redefining:

"This is a variation on blaming. The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with them but with others or the outside world in general.

"For example the abuser says they will be home for dinner at 6pm but does not come home until 4am the next morning. They may say 'You are an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home and eat that stuff?’'

Success fantasies:

"The abuser often believes they would be rich, famous or extremely successful if other people 'weren't holding them back'. They use this belief to justify their actions.

"The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of making themselves look more superior."

Lying:

"The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including their victim off balance psychologically.

"For example they appear to be truthful when they are lying they try to look deceitful when they are telling the truth.

Assuming:

"Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behaviour because they 'know' what the other person would think or do in a given situation. 

"For example - 'I knew you would be angry if I went for a beer after work so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself'.

Above the rules:

"As mentioned previously an abuser considers them self to be better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do.

"An abuser shows 'above the rules thinking' when they say 'I don't need intervention about violence. I'm different from those other people. Nobody has the right to question what I do in my family'.

Fragmentation:

"The abuser usually keeps his behaviour separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical. For example they will assault family members but not people outside their home. 

"The separation is psychological. For example the abuser attends church on a Sunday morning and then beats their partner on a Sunday night. They see no inconsistency in their behaviour and feel justified in it. They may appear to be an upstanding member of the community to others.

Minimising:

"The abuser ducks responsibility for their actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example 'I didn't hit you that hard'.

Power plays:

"The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For example they may walk out of a room where the victim is talking, or out-shout the victim, or organise other family members to ‘gang up’ on the victim in shunning or criticising them.

Playing victim:

"Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping them.

"They will often claim to be the victim in order to avoid being held accountable to the police. They may assert that the other party is the violent one. They may display clearly defensive wounds, such as bite marks or scratches, and claim the victim 'attacked' them. Or they may declare the physical marks on the victim were caused when they tried to restrain them or to stop them from hurting themselves.

"Often they will try and make out the victim has mental health issues.

Closed book:

"Abusers are not open to new information about themselves such as insights into how others see them. They are secretive, close-minded and self righteous. They believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership:

"The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover they believe that anything they want should be theirs and they can do as they please. That attitude applies to people as well as possessions. It justifies their controlling behaviour, physically hurting others, and taking things that belong to the victim."

PC Bradford has said this list is not extensive because not all abusers fit into every category – some may be a combination of a few.

If you or someone you know is being affected by domestic violence and you would like more information contact PC Judith Bradford on 01624 631495.